Metro Manliness

It seems that modern man has evolved a tad further in his own mind at least. He now wants to wear makeup and have his nails done and have hair accessories and other things like that. How about a sign on his crotch saying ‘kick here’.

I don’t want my husband to be better groomed than I am. I am happy with my working class man. He is a tradesman and he is brown from the sun – not so much now that we know how dangerous it is but he still wouldn’t dream of going to a salon to have it topped up. 

And when I ask for some shelves in the bathroom, he doesn’t demur on the grounds that it will ruin his expensive manicure and chip the nail polish.

I read an article in a women’s magazine a few weeks ago about a lady who is married to a transvestite. She said that she didn’t mind (!) in fact she quite enjoyed the girl’s nights in and experimenting with hair and make up together. Excuse me!? If I have to choose between my lovable, manly and dead sexy Neanderthal and Julian Clary’s camper brother, I say drag me away by the hair anytime Rob.

And before I am decried for having a man with all brawn and no brains, let me just say this, he has a degree and other tertiary qualifications – education doesn’t always come into this.

My man likes to have the odd beer and he perves like any other male who is still breathing. What? Didn’t know about this one? And did you know that Santa isn’t real. Or Easter Bunny. And how about the Tooth Fairy? At least with gay men, they are gay. They like other men and that’s it. They may not always be up front about it but when they are….!Wham!

Metro Men are slinking around in the bushes. They say that they are heterosexual but they do things that ten years ago they would have scoffed at. Or been duffed up for. And probable become quite violent about. Take waxing for example. OK, if your guy is a real gorilla and you can run your hands through the hairs on his back. And you aren’t keen, by all means, wax away. But what is wrong with a bit of hair in the right places. I mean, hairy strong arms with the sleeves, the sleeves….the……can I have a glass of water please? 

Hairy arms are lovely. And a bit of chest hair is good too. The jury is out on shoulder hair but early findings look as though it can come off with the back hair. I love a triangle of hair on a male stomach. That looks great with the top button of tight Levis undone……..sigh!

Male legs are supposed to be a bit furry too. Another thing to live with. I understand that there are situations - road cycling professionals for example who take the hair off for safety reasons but I think that we both know that this is not what I am talking about.

I don’t even want to talk about men getting the ‘other bits’ waxed so forget that I even mentioned it.

Metro Man, by definition, seems to exist mainly in the cities. He wouldn’t last very long anywhere else either. There are some towns where I used to live in Australia they would be well advised to keep off the itinerary.

I really can’t see a man with a dinky headband and pink nail polish lasting very long at some of our local pubs. But don’t get me wrong here. Not many women (paying customers excepted), want a Cro-Magnon gorilla who speaks in mono syllables and doesn't know where the kitchen is. I am all for equality and sharing of tasks too. But there is a middle ground. We don’t want  one who is so in touch with his feminine side that he has started a monthly cycle either.

A real man can help out around the house, cook and can change a baby. He doesn't need to have makeup.

OK, I think that it is best to lay down some basic rules of what the men in our lives may and may not do.

1-Basic cleanliness is essential. If he can’t remember when he last washed, then it isn’t enough. Sweat may contain pheromones which we can’t resist but these have a very short shelf life. They go off and so do we. Deodorant is good. Use it occasionally and we will be happy. And while deodorant and aftershave is fine, spending hours applying them and having all of the other matching accessories in the range is not strictly necessary.

2-Teeth. Clean them at least twice a day. Floss too - your heart will thank you one day. Do not, however, spend hours closeted in the bathroom trying to whiten them. If you have a tooth problem, see a dentist. Not a beautician.

3-Mirrors. By all means, glance at them from time to time. Hair combing is a good time to do it or after dressing, just to check if the outfit works. However, for this latter application, it is more reliable to ask the woman in your life. If you can’t tell that an outfit looks dorky lying on the bed, nothing is going to change once it is on your back. But start standing in front of the mirror so long that it remembers your face and we will get upset. No man should take longer than a woman to get ready. Standing in front of the looking glass is the preserve of the female. Sorry.

4-Hair Accessories. Unless you have long hair and work either around food or in an industrial environment, you don’t need these. Hair bands look silly. Live with it. If you do fall into the above category, just choose a work-a-day colour like black or grey. The accessory is supposed to be doing a job not enhancing your beauty. 

5-Skin Products. I am not talking prescription items here. You don’t need a lot of these either. Wash your face. You might consider doing it in the shower or before shaving. If you want moisturizer, do it now and then forget about it for the rest of the day. 

6-Nail Polish. You do not need nail polish in any situation that I can think of. Except of course if you want to go to a dress up party as someone who needs nail polish. In everyday life, men don’t need it. Don’t believe me? Who told you that women like it? Don’t trust that person ever again.

See? It’s really easy. Don’t try to morph into a woman.  Metro Man is fashionable at the moment. If wearing a blue condom on your head was fashionable, would you do it? No I’m not being silly at all. In the seventies, flairs were in. Now the world is covered with a pall of smoke. Not from bushfires but from men burning photos of themselves wearing flairs, body shirts, platforms and any thing else that made them look like Bjorn from ABBA. Or John Travolta.  Onto the bonfires are going wide collars and macramé vests too. And you tell me that I am being silly!

I can’t wait until it becomes fashionable for women to wear beards, blue singlets and extreme body hair. We will expect you to be as understanding of our beer swilling competitions and farting contests as you sit in the corner at parties. With the children. Knitting.

© Debbie von Grabler – Crozier 2014.